The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
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Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him