*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
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Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked