Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
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*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
😅🤣😂
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Just had my nails done!
Me, flirting😏
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Thrilling chase underway
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.