Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
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My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years