Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
You Might Also Like
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Taking phone security to the next level.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Doggies just call it style.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?