Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
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[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.