Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
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where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.