Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
You Might Also Like
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
A fake ID that makes you younger
when you don’t want to be too vague
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*