Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
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[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Herpes is trending, good job people
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”