Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
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Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…