Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
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I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
All set.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro