I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
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Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
What about second breakfast?
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
But that’s none of my business