Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
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I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
the answer was staring at me all along
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Worth remembering.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.