If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
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Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Owl Sanctuary
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.