Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
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[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween