“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
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With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
how much for the angry fruit?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
This is the one
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then