[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
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Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”