Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
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besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”