My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
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Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.