Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
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Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Husband of the year 😂
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?