There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
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You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”