Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
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*feels the wind in my toe hair
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Still a very good boi….
Just me?
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
that de-escalated quickly
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime