For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
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u spoke cat all this time??????
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Wise advice
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.