FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
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Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen