Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
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[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.