[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
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The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
😂 amazing answer
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
rapatouille
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
house sitting!
Erm I’m gonna say no
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
All generalizations are stupid.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?