ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
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11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.