I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
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[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Passwords are more important than ever.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
how to exercise your calf muscles
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.