I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
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Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Wait for it
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.