Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
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Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
My Guy
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.