Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
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“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.