“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
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me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.