Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
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My stupid belt shrunk again today.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise