If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
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If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing