Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
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It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.