Oh. My. God.
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I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
#Caturday
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.