“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
You Might Also Like
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Some people were born into their job.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles