My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
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Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden