Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
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me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop