I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
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Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
honestly, i need both:
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook