I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
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My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.