Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
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Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
everyone has that one prude friend
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed