I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
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It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
you will never know the true number of layers
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
the last thing a carrot sees
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*