Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
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“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
who wore it better?
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip