[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
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When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…