Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
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MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…