if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
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Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button