I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
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FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
i now pronounce you bounced.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)