Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
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-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?