When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
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It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
This anagram machine is out of order.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?